


To be washed away slow

by tattooed_lies



Category: Mötley Crüe
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, M/M, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:46:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25087126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattooed_lies/pseuds/tattooed_lies
Summary: Mötley Crüe and Vince & Nikki reunite in 2004/2005.
Relationships: Nikki Sixx/Vince Neil
Comments: 21
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Parts of this are taken from the Resurrection of Mötley Crüe documentary, but all the rest is entirely fictional.

_“In Mötley Crüe, you know, it’s supposed to be, everybody has a say in something, but, all of a sudden you see things, or hear things like that. Like ‘Oh, you know there’s a tour’. Well, you know, nobody bothered to tell me about it. So. It’s that kind of stuff… See maybe Nikki should talk to people before he says statements like that.”_ ( - Vince Neil, The Story of Mötley Crüe) _  
_

~

Vince gets talked into it. He doesn’t want to do it, but they wore him down with reasoning such as ‘ _Something special happens when the four of you are together,_ ’ and ‘ _The fans want this_ ,’ and ‘ _Do you really want to keep playing state fairs?_ ’ So he starts to think about the good things that happen when they’re together. And fuck, he becomes nostalgic. It gnaws in the back of his mind, like an itch he can’t scratch. So, he lets himself get talked into it. 

But immediately after agreeing, he feels anxious. He starts thinking about all the drama that invariably happens when they - at least three of them - get together for longer periods of time. Seeing them feels like a brick in his stomach, after everything that’s been said. Or written. Not to each other, but - worse - to the world.

The last time he saw Tommy was just awkward. Fake. Vince knows how to make it seem like nothing affects him; or if he’s caught unaware, he just throws out an accusation in return. But it hurts, reading and hearing what Tommy says about him.

And it hurts not being informed of things, by Nikki, of all people. After the last tour, they just went their separate ways. Just to reacclimatize to their new surroundings, Vince had thought, but apparently not. Apparently Nikki had no use for him anymore. Vince had spoken to him, on the phone, a few times. Once about the title of the compilation ( _Music to crash your car to? He’s_ the one who’ll get screamed at for that), but that obviously didn’t set the tone for ‘ _Hey, how ya been? I missed you_ ’. 

But he agreed to the meeting, so he gets on a plane. He drives to the office of their management company. He’s early. He always makes sure he’s early, not just so that no one will use it against him that he’s late, but because he doesn’t want to be walking into a situation where he’s at a disadvantage. The people in the office accommodate him; he sees they are nervous, walking on egg shells, but he doesn’t care - _he_ is nervous. He takes a seat in the waiting area. And waits.

It’s 6 pm. Yes, he’d been very early and he’s been waiting, jittery, bouncing his empty water bottle on his knee; but now it’s 6 pm, the time of their meeting, and the others aren’t there. There’s bustling going on around him - well, not _around_ him, they give him a wide berth, but he sees people going in and out of other rooms. Phones are ringing. He knows people are talking about him, about the situation. It’s a big deal to them to have the band all here, they probably hounded the other guys as they hounded him. Allen hasn’t come to see him yet, though. He’s starting to get agitated. _What is he doing here_? 

“Hey, Jeff. What uh…” he says, as Jeff sprints past.

“I don’t know, man, they’re probably stuck in traffic,” Jeff offers. “I’m sure they’ll be here soon. You need anything?”

Vince shakes his head. Jeff looks at him, a little apologetic - or uncomfortable, and walks on.

Vince sits and stews in his insecurities. And he gets angry. Angry, that he let himself get talked into coming. Setting himself up for this disappointment and letting them twist the knife a little more. The friction with Tommy is one thing, but the fact that Nikki couldn’t even call him… After _everything_.

His watch says it’s 6:20. “Fuck this,” he murmurs, and gets up.

“Vince, wait!” Katie calls after him as he walks to the entrance.

She catches up to him. “Just wait 10 more minutes,” she tries.

“Just call me if someone shows up,” he murmurs and walks out before he loses his temper.

~

He’s still driving - he’s on his way to visit a buddy - when his phone rings. It’s the office number. His heart starts pounding in his throat, so it takes a few rings before he answers.

“Hey Vince. Where are you, I’m at the office,” Nikki says, all casual.

“I was there for over half an hour.” He’s starting off way too agitated, but he can’t help it. “You know, if it’s gonna be like this, I can’t do this, Nikki. You _know_ what this does to me.” _Fuck_ , he needs to get off the road.

He pulls up to the curb and puts the car in park, while Nikki murmurs something about someone filming. Vince frowns, as Nikki tells him that he was stuck in traffic, and that he doesn’t want Vince to be anxious, and that he has to bring his issues to the table when they all start to talk about these things.

“Let me go find Allen, find out what’s up with Tommy, and I’ll call you back. That way you won’t have to come up here and feel frustrated. And we'll address these issues later. Okay?” Nikki says, as if he’s gonna fix everything.

“Okay,” Vince says, deflated. “Just, don’t…” he starts, but Nikki talks over him.

“I hear ya. Okay, bye,” Nikki says and hangs up.

~

The meeting was awkward. Everything is fragile. Nikki was the only one who immediately committed to the idea. Which is typical, but not unwelcome; Vince couldn’t help but feel that itch tingle either. Nikki kept looking at him from across the table while Vince tried his best to ignore that and to gauge Tommy’s state of mind. But Tommy’s more interested in other things than Mötley Crüe. And though he didn’t act completely disgusted, Vince could tell he’d rather be on the other side of the planet than in a room with him. And Mick… Vince doesn’t know anything about what’s happening with Mick. How can they even talk about a reunion if there’s no Mick?

When he walks to his car, Nikki catches up to him. “Hey,” he says, putting a hand on his shoulder.

The hand feels like a welcome home - such a simple little thing after all these years; it lets loose associations with the old ‘normal’ and Vince has to suppress an urgent impulse to grab and hold Nikki tight. It makes him cringe and he bends his body slightly down, away from the pressure of the hand, as he looks at Nikki, wary, waiting.

“Do you have plans?” Nikki takes away his hand and scratches his head.

“Maybe,” Vince says, just to be difficult. But then he changes his mind. “No, not really.”

“Wanna grab a bite to eat?”

~

Nikki really is sober.

They’re in a VIP area in some joint and Vince orders them a posh bottle of wine and drinks his first glasses quickly, just to get rid of the nerves. But seeing Nikki stick to Coke - as in Cola - makes him slow his pace.

It’s so awkward. They talk about nothing; what they’ve been doing, where they’re living, people they used to hang out with and where they are now. But then Vince starts to laugh about something, some anecdote from their hazier days, and he sees Nikki’s face turn from amused to annoyed. Or, worried, if he’s generous. It’s a look he hates and it makes him shut up and stare at his glass, as he twirls the stem between his fingers.

“How do you feel about this reunion thing, really?” Nikki asks, tone neutral.

Vince sighs. “I don’t know, Nikki. I mean, I love the idea of going on the road, playing shows. Doing what we do best, the four of us. But I can’t do all this arguing again.” He wants to say so much more, but he’s tired, and this brings the point across.

Nikki nods. He taps his plate with his fork. It’s annoying, the sound grates on Vince’s ears, but he doesn’t say or do anything about it. He just blinks, a lot.

Nikki finally stops and looks up at him. “This thing with Tommy…”

“I don’t want to talk about Tommy,” Vince groans and leans back in his chair.

“It’s just that I understand if you’re apprehensive.” Nikki sounds so distant, like he’s all unattached to the whole thing. To Vince.

“You’re not my shrink.” Vince clenches his jaw. He wants to pour another glass, but he doesn’t. He’s pretty proud of his restraint. Though maybe it doesn’t matter anymore at this point.

“Maybe we should just talk about it some other time,” Nikki says, infuriatingly benevolent.

‘ _Because I’m drunk_ ,’ Vince thinks, but he keeps his mouth shut and just nods. And blinks. And bites his lip. “Listen, uh… I’m beat.” He puts his palms on the table, to indicate that he’s ready to leave.

“Yeah, okay,” Nikki nods. He signals a waiter.

Vince puts his hand in his pocket to get out his billfold.

“No, it’s on me,” Nikki waves at him.

Vince doesn’t do the fussy thing over who gets to pay, but just gets up. Nikki gets up too and approaches him - he’s going to hug him. Vince’s eye twitches and his expression seems to make Nikki pause. But then Nikki moves forward anyway.

“It’s good to see you again, man,” Nikki’s sounding a little less detached now.

He puts one hand on Vince’s shoulder and pulls him in, one arm going over the shoulder, one arm going around his side as he hugs him. Nikki’s chin presses into Vince’s other shoulder while Vince’s arms hang in the air awkwardly, for just a second or two. Then he hugs him back. Nikki squeezes him and Vince’s eyes squeeze shut with the same intensity. He smells Nikki’s cologne and Nikki's shirt presses against his lips. He flashes back to a similar moment, only in that it involved the same scent and the same physical closeness; but now, he’s not supposed to hum and melt into Nikki. He’s supposed to pull back after the appropriate hug duration. But his body won’t let go. Fuck, it’s Nikki’s hug, he can end it.

Nikki does, but it takes him much longer than what would be appropriate. Before he lets go completely, he squeezes Vince’s shoulder again. He looks solemn. “See you soon,” he says, after stepping back.

Vince nods and leaves quickly.

~

So they are going to release an album. Another anthology, but with a few new tunes. In theory, it’s to accompany the tour, but none of them, well, almost none of them, have really committed to that. Vince hasn’t seen Mick yet, but he understands from Nikki and Allen that it’s really bad. He wonders how they think this is going to work, but not by too much. He’s enjoying being in the studio with Bob and Nikki, more than he thought he would. Tommy comes in at other times due to his schedule, which is actually a happy coincidence. At least, that’s what Vince assumes, Nikki could be orchestrating the whole thing.

“That sounds great, Vince,” Nikki says from behind the mixing desk.

Vince smiles, surprised himself at how wide his grin is. He feels so genuinely pleased with how it’s going. How they’re meshing, the two of them; with Nikki writing the words for his voice and how it feels so natural to sing them.

In between recordings, they’re just shooting the shit. Making jokes, like ’ _Remember when you sued me?_ ’ There’s no meaningful conversations, there couldn’t be; apart from the studio people, there’s also people filming, documenting everything. But it also lowers the pressure - taking away the threat of dicey topics - and it gives him the opportunity to get used to Nikki again. With each meeting, the feelings of hurt and anger are subsiding a little. Or at least moving to the back of his mind.

He’s actually looking forward to times when he’ll see Nikki, and it feels like Nikki’s happy when he sees Vince. They haven’t really spent time together, just the two of them, though.

“You wanna take a break?” Nikki asks.

“No, let’s just keep going,” Vince says, adrenalin pumping.

Nikki smiles, maybe smirks, and nods. Heat spreads from Vince’s belly to everywhere else - the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He feels pride in what he’s doing and from how Nikki looks at him. Then he hears the music through his headphones and starts over again.

~

It happens when he completely does _not_ see it coming. And it happens so fast that he has no time to respond, before it’s done.

They’re talking about the schedule, because Bob had to leave and Nikki wants to check when Vince can come in the next day. The film crew left earlier, and Vince is also about to go. He’s just standing there, putting his jacket on, one arm caught in a sleeve, the other tugging at the collar at the back of his neck. “Yeah, 10 is fine,” he says, distracted, trying to get his arm free.

Suddenly, he’s backed up against the wall, Nikki’s hands pinning his shoulders, and Nikki’s lips crashing into his. It’s a second. Maybe two, or three; but he only realizes it when there’s just the shadow of the imprint of Nikki’s lips left. The blur that was Nikki up close comes back into focus as he takes a step back. Nikki helps him with his jacket, avoids his eyes.

Vince’s heart pounds in his ears. He’s conflicted, gets pulled into opposite directions. He wants to grab Nikki and punch him. Or kiss him. No, punch him. _What the fuck?_

Nikki takes another step back. Good, he should know what Vince looks like right before he blows up. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Vince murmurs and leaves quickly.

~

So, he’s not the most introspective guy, but he wonders why he got so angry the other day. Because ever since then, he can only think of the other way it might have ended. Nikki’s kept his distance - not in a cold shoulder way, but in a careful way. He’s still talky and positive about what they’re all trying to do. Vince is getting more excited about the idea of going on tour. He hasn’t agreed yet, but their management is pressing for them to do some stuff while they take the time to make up their minds. Like, a photo shoot.

And here they are. It’s actually the first time he sees Mick. He’s shocked. He can tell Tommy’s shocked, he looks, and almost sounds, like a nervous teenager whose voice hasn’t dropped yet. Vince knows what he means, even though he hides it a little better. The shoot goes okay, they’re awkward, they must look awkward, but everyone is doing their part. Vince and Tommy don’t talk - that’s gonna be a problem too.

“What are you thinking?” Nikki asks Vince, when the others have left. He’s sitting on the couch, stretches his limbs - arms over his head, fingers touching the wall behind him.

“I’m thinking there is no way we are going on tour,” Vince says, and shrugs. He’s in a chair opposite the couch, right ankle on his left knee, leg bobbing.

“He can do it. He’s getting better every day.” Nikki puts his arms down and braids his fingers together over his stomach. He has that tone again. That calm, therapist-like, detached tone. It doesn’t bother Vince now. Nikki’s confidence is comforting and Vince wants to believe it.

“Maybe,” he concedes. “I can’t believe how bad he got.” He shakes his head, picks at a thread by the hole in his jeans.

Nikki’s quiet. Vince looks up to find him looking right at him. Vince looks away and doesn’t know whether to smile or blush, maybe he does both. _For fuck’s sake_. He rubs the bridge of his nose, to hide his face.

“I have to go,” he says then, and gets up. It’s almost a pattern when they’re alone together. Nikki must see it. Nikki just nods, and gets up too. He’s tall - taller than usual - in his platform boots. Vince’s stomach flutters. _Nope, we’re not going there._

“Today was good,” Nikki says. “I mean, as a start.” He chuckles. Even _he_ can’t talk this up to ‘ _It was just like old times_ ’ levels.

“Sure,” Vince says easily.

Nikki steps closer. Vince waits for the hug, still passive, but _wanting_ with his entire being. It’s not how he wants to be responding, or more accurately, not-responding; but it’s Nikki, there is a way to these things sometimes - like a ritual you shouldn’t change. But it takes so long, Vince thinks he must be vibrating from the force of his self-imposed immobility.

Then Nikki hugs him, like he did before. He’s leaning over a little more now, and Vince feels Nikki’s breath against his neck as he exhales, as if he’s relieved that Vince lets himself be hugged. It’s so easy to melt into the familiar warmth, and maybe it’s not so bad if he gives Nikki some encouragement - that he’s okay with this, at least. So he gives Nikki a squeeze.

“I’m glad we’re talking again,” Nikki murmurs, squeezing him back.

Vince feels a pang, the words bubble in his throat, but he doesn’t say it.

 _YOU stopped talking to ME_.

But he does pull back, confused and agitated. “See you soon,” he says, and leaves Nikki behind.

~

Another shoot, for a magazine, a week later. They’re waiting for Tommy. Have been _for hours_. Vince doesn’t think he’s going to come. Mick is saving his strengths, but he also looks a little annoyed. Nikki’s annoyed too, but it’s more disappointment. Vince is finding it hard to care about Tommy’s motives, but he’s ready to do this now, and it’s frustrating to have all this running in place going on.

“Fuck him,” he tells Nikki.

“Yeah. It’s bullshit,” Nikki agrees, but he’s still looking a little pouty.

Another hour, and Nikki seems more angry. It brings them together, actually, their irritation at being stuck, and wondering if this is ever even going to happen - not just the shoot, but everything else. Nikki tilts his head to the side, meaning for Vince to follow him; away from all the people and the film crew that’s here again. He follows Nikki down a hall into an empty room with a large window. They half-sit, half-lean on each end of the windowsill, one leg bent and on the sill and the other on the floor. They look out, at the moving cars. People getting in and out of cabs. Hustle and bustle on the pavement. It’s soothing.

“I’m sorry for how I left it,” Nikki says, not looking at Vince.

Vince does look. Nikki appears regretful. And Vince wants to talk about it, figure out what happened and where they stand. But not now. So he just nods and looks back down at the street.

“Tommy’s here,” Katie’s head appears in the doorway. She sounds winded; it reminds Vince that they’re not the only ones who can’t control what’s happening.

So they return. Tommy doesn’t make eye contact, but he gives everyone - even Vince - a hug, and apologizes. It’s awkward, again, Vince doesn’t really know how to respond. Tommy explains he’s been busy promoting this TV show he’s doing, and he’s had his fill of promo stuff, but that he’s going to try. That’s something at least.

The shoot goes okay. Nikki looks pleased. Tommy plays little jokes and makes an effort. But it’s all still very shaky. There is still a lot of doubt about what they’re doing.

Vince can’t pretend there isn’t more than one thing on his mind that he questions. For now, he doesn’t want to get ahead of things. He’ll wait and see what happens next time. Although he can’t wait for next time to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki phoned him. Not about the band, but to meet up, to talk. Vince agreed, though he felt like throwing up just thinking about it. Now, he’s at Nikki’s house. Where he’s never been before. Where they’ll be alone. 

He walks around the room while Nikki gets him something to drink - a soda, obviously. The living area is spacious, with wooden floors and heavy furniture. Nikki has a lot of books. Vince lets his fingers walk along the spines as he randomly reads titles, though he registers nothing.

Nikki taps his back with the Diet Coke can and he jumps, slightly. “Thanks,” he murmurs, taking the drink. 

“Have a seat?” Nikki indicates the couch. Vince sits down and Nikki goes to sit in an armchair.

“I’m glad you agreed to come over,” he says, glancing at Vince, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

“We _do_ need to talk about some things. I mean, if any of this reunion stuff is actually gonna happen.” Vince picks at the pull tab on the can. Then he sets it down on the coffee table. “I can’t see you every day, work with you every day and not have this out,” he gestures between them.

Nikki scratches the back of his neck and sighs. But he doesn’t speak. Maybe he’s thinking about where to start. Because he can’t be expecting _Vince_ to start. Right? Vince’s knee starts to bob as he gets agitated. He picks up the Coke can and opens it, gulps down some, and is immediately hit by the strong fizziness of it. He clears his throat to avoid coughing - _wow, that’s embarrassing_. But he can’t remember when he last had a soft drink.

All the while, he’s avoided looking at Nikki. But he looks over now, intending to give him another prompt, and he sees Nikki smiling - like he’s endeared. It makes him angrier, and he opens his mouth to -

“Don’t think it didn’t kill me to cut you off,” Nikki says suddenly.

Vince blinks, and waits, throat constricting.

Nikki exhales and leans forward. His elbows are on his knees and he covers his face with his hands. He rubs his face for a few seconds before taking his hands away and sitting back up. He looks at Vince. Vince is putting all his energy into not leaping out of his seat and hovering over Nikki, to yell at him, punch him, or maybe to grab him and kiss him, finally give Nikki a shock back.

“I had to do it. I had to get clean. For real. And you… I couldn’t be around you, it’s like a basic rule.”

Vince nods. _Because I drink._ He feels small, suddenly. He never imagined he’d ever feel this way about being called a bad influence. And it’s _fucking Nikki_ doing it; the irony almost makes him smile.

“I missed you like crazy,” Nikki adds. Like a plush layer over bricks.

Vince rubs his thumb over his forehead, doesn’t want Nikki to see his eyes, and he takes another gulp of fizz. He wishes there was whiskey in it.

“But as time went by, I got used to not seeing you. I thought it was probably for the best. And then when Allen called…” Nikki swallows. Maybe the lump in his throat feels like the one Vince has. “All these memories came flooding back. Like an assault. I hated it…”

_Okay, NOW you can get up. And leave. Maybe smack Nikki first.  
_

“…And then I craved it. I went looking for more memories. More images, to trigger recollections of things that happened before or after them, with us. That hole inside me, that had shrunk with time, it expanded again, and I needed to see you.”

“Nikki…” Vince can’t stand to hear any more, but he doesn’t know what to say. This soul-baring shit makes him feel uncomfortable, and what he _used_ to do when it happened - shut Nikki up with his mouth - is not an option right now. But his stomach flutters from hearing it, anyway.

“That first meeting, I tried to remain neutral - I didn’t know how you’d feel and I wanted things to go smoothly.” Nikki snorts. “Okay, I mean, I didn’t want to contribute to all the difficulties. But I immediately knew I needed to apologize, at least explain. And I _am_ sorry. It was a shitty thing to do.”

It’s quiet for a little while. Nikki’s explained it. Vince should respond. Or at least acknowledge him.

Vince nods his head slightly. “I get it.”

Nikki nods too.

“You didn’t, though.”

Nikki looks at him, frowns.

“We had dinner, right after.” Vince looks at him.

Nikki looks like he’s unsure about how to say something. Vince thinks on it. Then he understands. “You didn’t want to bring it up because I was drinking.”

Vince sits back and inhales deeply, or he tries to. It feels like there’s something pressing on his chest, as if something is squeezing him like a tube of toothpaste that’s nearly empty. Because they haven’t talked about the elephant in the room and he’s pretty sure that they’re not going to - this is it, they’re done.

“I uh…” He wants to leave, but he has to wrap this up well, put a nice pink bow around it, or it’s going to be a problem going forward. So he gathers everything he has in him. “Thanks, for explaining.” His voice is small, but he’s relieved it wasn’t something completely different that came out of his mouth. There _are_ advantages to drinking godawful carbonated non-alcoholic beverages.

Vince gets up and Nikki blinks. “What? Nah, sit down,” he shakes his head.

“We don’t have to talk about this anymore, really. It’s all good.” Vince is determined, and he waits for Nikki to stand, so it doesn’t look like he just stormed off.

He’s _almost_ disappointed when Nikki does stand up. But Nikki’s standing too close - that’s not normal. Vince’s eyes look up, but he doesn’t tilt his head. He’s gonna run, he’s gonna run, he’s gonna -

“It’s a good thing I can read you so well,” Nikki says, voice low. He puts his hand on Vince’s shoulder, towards his neck.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Vince murmurs, but it’s ridiculous.

Nikki’s thumb gently rubs the side of Vince’s neck. Vince closes his eyes. It’s what he wants; but it _shouldn’t_ be what he wants. There’s nothing different _now_ to how it was when he got left behind.

The hand on his neck pulls him closer. Nikki’s breath is warm on Vince’s lips, and Vince wants to close the distance those last few inches, but he just swallows and licks his lips - an automatic response.

Nikki hums, or growls - it sounds kind of like a purr. “You’re gonna make me do everything?” he says, softly.

Vince nods, his eyes still closed.

“Okay,” Nikki says, and Vince can tell he’s smiling. And then he feels a brush of lips against his - a fleeting kiss, so soft it’s barely there. And then again - a little longer, a little harder.

It’s all tentative, careful, too loaded with history and thoughts of consequence… And that’s just not gonna fly. If they’re doing this, Vince wants to make the most of it. He grabs Nikki’s shirt with both fists, keeping him close, and kisses him, open mouthed, exploring the source of Nikki’s warmth, hungry to know him again. He makes a noise - a moan or a whimper - as Nikki accommodates him and returns the eager exploration, hand firm on Vince’s neck. Vince leans into it, seeking more pressure. It’s insane, it’s just a fucking kiss, but he’s _missed_ it, so much.

Nikki’s hand moves back, into Vince’s hair. And there it is, the way Nikki feels, holding him and kissing him - tilting Vince’s head in the way he wants in order to have their mouths meet at just the right angle, for nips, deep kisses and licks - it’s _just_ like it was before, and Vince responds in the same way he always did. He's pliant in Nikki’s hold, but not passive, as his arousal builds.

Nikki breaks the kiss and looks at him. “Can you stay?” he says, his eyes searching Vince’s. 

“Uhuh,” Vince nods.

~

This is not what he expected to happen when he got here today, but now that he’s here, he can’t imagine it could have gone any other way. It’s so natural to be here, lying on the bed, one leg over Nikki’s shoulder while Nikki’s mouth swallows his cock and Nikki’s finger’s in his ass. But everything is so clear now, more focused. _Nikki_ is more focused, than he ever was. His tongue flat, pressing against the underside of Vince’s cock as he takes Vince in deep. His finger rubbing the lube around inside, knowing _exactly_ where to linger.

Vince moans, it’s going too fast. “Wait. Stop,” he says, pushing his hand against Nikki’s head.

Nikki pulls off and grins. “What?” His tongue swipes from side to side under Vince’s cock head as he presses another finger inside.

“Fuck… Stop,” Vince gives him another push and takes hold of his dick, squeezing the base.

Nikki growls - or something like it - turns his head, and bites the inside of Vince’s thigh.

Jesus fuck. All these sensations are just overwhelming, Vince can’t bear it. “Wait,” he says again, breathing fast, though he doesn’t really expect anything to stop.

And it doesn’t. Nikki licks the bite mark he left and moves back, starts to lick and suck Vince’s balls. Nikki's fingers bend and rub inside him, driving him insane. Nikki’s toying with him, he has to be.

Vince clenches his jaw and raises his head. He grabs Nikki’s hair and makes him look at him. “Hurry the fuck up,” he grits out.

Nikki chuckles. But there’s something in his eyes - joy, lightheartedness. And Vince smiles too, though he grumbles for good measure as he lets Nikki go and lays his head back down.

Nikki stops teasing and sits up on his knees, concentrates on stretching Vince on his fingers. It stings a little when he adds the third, and Vince tenses and grabs the sheets. Vince can tell Nikki’s studying his face, watching his reactions. He waits for Vince to relax, which doesn’t take long, and moves his fingers in and out, adding more lube than maybe is necessary; but Vince doesn’t mind - it's been years, after all.

Then Nikki takes his fingers away. Vince looks at him.

“You okay?” Nikki asks, stroking Vince’s thighs.

Vince nods.

Nikki hikes Vince’s legs over his hips and leans forward. Vince puts one arm around Nikki’s neck and puts the other hand on his cheek. He’s not going to say anything, but he wants to relay something. Nikki smiles, like he gets it, and kisses him.

Nikki leans on one hand as the other moves down between them. He pushes into Vince and Vince gasps, bears down as much as he can.

“Fuck,” Nikki’s eyes squeeze shut and he holds still, placing his hand back on the bed, next to Vince’s shoulder.

Vince agrees, holy fuck, it's too much. But it’s not enough. He wants Nikki to stay, and he wants Nikki to move. His hand tangles in the hair at the nape of Nikki’s neck. He realizes he’s making noises, when Nikki kisses the corner of his mouth and trails up to his ear. Nikki’s warm breath against his ear and the sensitive skin behind it makes his nerve endings spark and he holds Nikki’s head in place, hikes his legs up higher and pushes back.

“Uh,” Nikki moans and bites Vince’s neck as he starts thrusting.

God, Vince has missed this. This closeness, feeling Nikki all around and inside of him, feeling how hard Nikki is for him, hearing how Nikki breathes, curses, always _has to_ mark him.

Nikki raises up a little, moves one arm under Vince’s leg, so it almost goes over Nikki’s shoulder. Vince grunts - he doesn’t bend that way a lot anymore. But it’s better, fuck, it’s even better, Nikki’s cock rubs just the right way to make him lose it. He starts humming, clutching at Nikki’s arm.

“I missed you,” Nikki groans, leaning in again and kissing him sloppily.

Vince breaks the kiss and turns his head, soured, for some reason. Nikki doesn’t seem to notice and instead starts to move faster, making Vince moan harshly.

“Fuck, I love the sounds you make. What I can do to you. There’s nothing that comes close…” Nikki murmurs.

Vince doesn’t want to hear it. And yet he does. “Shut up,” he says, weakly. 

“It’s the same for you, right? Tell me you feel it, this is different.” Nikki sucks on the bite mark he left.

Vince bites his lip. He doesn’t want to say it, but it is. He’s overwhelmed with how strong it is. And he’s not quite sure how he feels about that, that’s something he’ll have to think about later. For now he’s getting swept up in sensations, and he reaches down to take hold of his cock and starts stroking.

“Are you close?” Nikki asks, speeding up.

Vince just gasps and nods, his hand moving fast.

Nikki leans up and watches Vince, still pushing into him with fervor. Vince closes his eyes.

Nikki starts babbling again. “God, you look so hot… You feel so good… Come on, baby, do it, let me see you…”

Vince groans and comes, and Nikki curses, gives a handful more thrusts and follows.

~

“Stay,” Nikki says, watching Vince get dressed after his shower.

Vince hesitates. Nikki sits on the side of the bed, naked, and reaches for him. Vince steps closer, his jeans still unbuttoned and his shirt in his hand. Nikki pulls him between his legs and presses his nose against Vince’s belly.

“You have doubts,” Nikki says. “I get it.”

Vince puts his hand on Nikki’s head, moves it through his hair. “What’s different?” he asks. “Nothing’s different.” The circumstances Nikki described haven’t changed.

“I’m stronger,” Nikki says, leaning his chin against Vince and looking up. “I can handle it.”

“You’ll hate me for drinking.”

“No,” Nikki shakes his head. “I understand.”

Vince wants to believe it could work. But he still aches from how it ended the last time. And they may be doing a huge thing, the four of them, for the foreseeable future. Which is usually hard enough as it is.

“We need to be friends, first.” It sounds so stupid, but Vince couldn’t be more serious. He doesn’t even quite know yet if they can stand being near each other for prolonged periods of time. _Without_ any type of romantic component upping the stakes.

Nikki nods. “Okay.” He puts his arms around Vince’s waist. “Do you forgive me, at least?”

Vince closes his eyes. “I understand why you had to do it. But it hurt. And I can still feel that.”

Nikki holds him close and breathes in deep. Vince doesn’t want to pull back yet, so they stay like that for minutes.

“Stay,” Nikki says again. “Just tonight. And tomorrow, we’ll start to be friends again.”

It’s too welcome an idea to pass up. So Vince nods.

Nikki grins and falls backwards, taking Vince with him.


	3. Chapter 3

After the lukewarm start, things are moving forward more steadily. Everyone in the band makes an effort to get along, in the times they spend together. Nikki had already refocused all his attention on Mötley Crüe, setting aside all other things, and now Vince has finished up his other obligations. Even Tommy has become more excited about the band, since the creative juices have started flowing again. Mick has gotten stronger and seems to be getting better by the day. And the tour is finally, really, on.

They start rehearsing, and it feels good. When they do _The Tonight Show_ on New Year’s Eve and Vince gets them in some trouble for swearing (“ _Hey Tommy! Happy fucking new year, man!_ ”), it just feels like they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing - like old times.

The tour starts in February and it’s huge. It’s amazing. Vince can’t believe he almost didn’t do this. The rush he gets from being in front of so many people, in such a massive show, with _these_ guys, there is nothing else like it. The chemistry between him and Nikki is still there on stage as well, which makes it even more exciting. It fuels their connection and, to Vince, it seems more and more likely that they could get together again. He’s just not sure if he’s brave enough yet.

He and Nikki end most days sitting together and talking. Not always very long, nothing very deep, but it has become a routine. Nikki seems to be okay about it when Vince drinks. He doesn’t mind if Vince gets more cuddly when he drinks, anyway. Vince doesn’t mind either, and yeah, sometimes alcohol is a bit of an easy excuse to be able to let go, without too much of a consequence. Well, in this respect, at least.

In tonight’s show, the sound is off. Vince keeps gesturing to the sound guy; the guitar is too loud, he can’t hear his voice. And then, the sound is too low and he can’t hear anything. When he has a chance, he runs back to shout at the guy. He’s so angry, and he’s about to throw a punch, when he feels a hand on his back. He turns to yell at someone else, but it’s Nikki. The look Nikki gives him is calming; it’s ‘ _I get it_ ’, not ‘ _Don’t be an asshole_ ’. It’s draining his anger very quickly. Vince looks back at the sound guy again, who holds up his hands in apology. Nikki gives Vince a little nudge, and they go back out.

~

“You okay?” Nikki asks when he lets Vince into his hotel room.

“Yeah.” Vince sits down. “No.” Today, he has doubts. He had doubts before he started drinking, and drinking, of course, made it worse.

“Okay.” Nikki gives him a bottle of water.

Vince takes it, but he’s not thirsty. He’s even a little annoyed. What is this custom that people are always offering people stuff to drink all the time. As if he wouldn’t ask for it if he wanted something. As if he would _die_ if he didn’t immediately get something to drink once he showed up someplace. Why the fuck is he even thinking about this. What difference does it make, who cares? It's not because he’s getting _water_ , of course it’s water, he wouldn’t have imagined anything else. It's not like he _needs_ to drink _anything_. And not because he already had plenty to drink either. He can talk to Nikki without lubricating his throat. Just fine.

“Vince,” Nikki prompts, gently.

Vince looks at him briefly, before looking at his water bottle. And what is it with Nikki always being so calm and sensible these days. No matter what happens. No matter what Vince does. However he fucks up or loses his temper. Any way he tests Nikki. It’s just not normal. It’s _not_ normal. It’s a problem. Vince is trying to figure out why it’s a problem, because it’s also kind of nice to have Nikki around and not judging him.

“Didn’t you feel like going out, with Tommy and the other guys?” Nikki sits down across from him.

Vince focuses on his water bottle and picks at the plastic label wrapper.

“Or the girls…” Nikki smirks.

Vince’s eyes shift from the bottle to Nikki’s face. Nikki raises an eyebrow.

There’s something itching inside Vince. He starts to scratch at his chest, absentmindedly. “Would you care?”

Nikki frowns. “Well…”

Vince looks at him closely now. Tries to discern something like jealousy, or discontent, at least. But what he sees in Nikki’s expression looks most like surprise. So. That’s what might be the problem. Maybe he _doesn’t_ care. Not enough, not anymore.

“I’m uh… not really sure what you’re asking me,” Nikki says, leaning forward, head inclined in interest.

“Never mind,” Vince murmurs.

Nikki sighs, puts his hands on his knees and gets up. He sits down next to Vince and takes Vince’s hand from his chest, squeezes it. Vince’s knee starts to bob. Nikki grins. “Wanna stay here, watch a movie?”

Vince nods.

Nikki turns on the TV and flips through the menu. Vince doesn’t really mind what they watch, he’s tired. Maybe Nikki doesn’t mind either, he doesn’t look very hard before he lands on something. Vince leans into him. Nikki raises his arm and rests it over Vince’s shoulders, allowing Vince to nestle in. Vince throws his arm around Nikki’s waist and drops his head on Nikki’s chest. Nikki gently rubs Vince's back.

“I’m gonna fall asleep,” Vince says.

“That’s okay.”

Vince relishes the warmth of Nikki around him. He listens to Nikki’s steady, strong heartbeat, the rumble of his chuckle when something funny happens on TV. It lulls him further into slumber.

Nikki nuzzles the back of Vince’s head. “Of course I care,” he mumbles.

It’s about the last thing Vince registers.

~

Vince wakes up, lying on the couch, half on top of Nikki. His head hurts, and he moves slowly as he sits up. Nikki’s asleep, and his hand slips off Vince’s back as he moves. Vince looks down at him. He looks beautiful. Peaceful. It’s so good to be here with him. What Vince really wants to do is lie back down; or lie down in the bed, actually, with Nikki. But he can’t. He worries. Though everything seems to be going well, he finds it hard to trust.

Nikki hums and reaches for him. Vince doesn’t want him to wake up, so he puts a hand on Nikki’s chest and rubs gently. Nikki lays his hand on top of Vince’s, but he doesn’t wake up. Vince wonders how is it so intimate to watch him sleep like this, considering everything they’ve witnessed of each other the past 24 years. Everything they’ve _shared_ together. And just this, and the idea that Nikki’s heart _might_ belong to Vince, it makes him feel like a 15-year-old girl, or something, he imagines; but how would he know. Like, do they walk around with an ache in their bellies, not enough space in their lungs for air, a lump in their throat?

God, he’s definitely hungover. He retracts his hand carefully and gets up. He looks at Nikki one more time, and then leaves the room.

~

**1999**

_“Fuck, you pulled my hair too hard,” Nikki says, sitting on the bed and rolling his neck._

_Vince snorts. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He takes off his clothes and straddles Nikki’s legs._

_“You snapped my neck back, I think something’s out of whack.” Nikki wraps his arms around Vince and nuzzles his collarbone._

_Vince puts his hands on Nikki’s shoulders, moves them towards his neck, rubbing lightly. “Are you sure it didn’t happen while you were trashing your bass?” he says, smiling._

_“Right there,” Nikki groans._

_Vince rubs a little harder. A little deeper. Nikki leans his head fully against Vince’s chest and hums._

_Vince reaches over to the side table and grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels. “You need to relax, or you’ll cramp up,” he says._

_Nikki takes the bottle and drinks; then sets it back down. He moans. “I need pills.”_

_“You’re a baby. Lie back,” Vince chuckles and gives him a push._

_Nikki lies flat on his back. Vince trails his fingers over Nikki’s chest._

_“I thought you were getting even with me.” Nikki looks at him._

_“For what?” Vince tickles Nikki’s belly, watches him shiver._

_“That girl…”_

_“Oh, yeah… that girl,” Vince muses and pinches Nikki’s nipple._

_Nikki curses and pulls Vince down by his neck. “She was just joking around.” He brushes his thumb over Vince’s lips._

_Vince bites down._

_“Ow…” Nikki grins. He brushes his hand through Vince’s hair. “You know no one comes close to you,” he says, softly, looking at Vince just a little more earnestly._

_“I know.”_

~

Vince wants that back - that matter-of-factness that was them before. Of course it wasn’t all paradise, tempers flared often enough, partly due to alcohol, frustrations and misunderstandings; but it was still honest and not so fragile, like it seems now.

It’s partly him, doing that. With all these tests. Seeing how Nikki reacts when Vince does something he’s sure Nikki won’t approve of. And infuriatingly, Nikki passes all those tests. Not that Vince has any right to be doing it at all. He shouldn’t be behaving like an asshole, just to be able to punish Nikki if he doesn’t stand for it.

But there’s that hurt that he’s only barely healed from. And hurting that bad made him finally realize exactly how important Nikki was to him. _Is_ to him. That it’s something he’s never had with anyone else. That he can’t be without it, once he lets himself have it again. And so, Vince has to be sure that when he fucks up, Nikki won’t just drop him. But, fuck.

Vince _doesn’t want to_ fuck up, at all.

~

It must be fate.

They’re waiting to leave, but something’s wrong with Nikki’s bus. Vince spots it, looking out his window. Nikki is standing outside, talking to several guys. Then he scratches his head and walks over to Vince’s bus. Vince opens the door before he can knock.

“Can I uh… They can’t fix my bus on time. Can I stay with you until they sort it?” Nikki looks a little sheepish.

“Sure,” Vince nods.

So Nikki gets some of his stuff, comes back and hops on.

“I swear I didn’t pull any wires or anything,” Nikki smirks, setting down his bag.

Vince smiles. Truthfully, he’s glad for the excuse.

When the bus starts to move, it solidifies their current arrangements until they arrive at the next location, and Vince feels relieved.

“Well, you know where everything is,” he gestures around. “Help yourself to anything.”

Nikki nods and sits down at the table. Vince sits down across from him and looks out the window.

“Wanna play cards?” Nikki asks, picking up a deck and shuffling.

“Okay. Do you want something to drink?” Vince gets up again - he’s not fidgety, or anything - and walks to the fridge.

“Do you have Diet Coke?”

Vince opens the fridge and takes out a can - especially stocked for Nikki, actually, just in case. He pours a glass of wine for himself and goes back.

Nikki looks a little surprised that he gets what he asked for. Vince grins and picks up his cards.

~

“I don’t want to play anymore,” Vince throws his cards at Nikki.

Nikki laughs and picks up the cards. Vince watches him, feeling all these _my ribcage is too tight_ -feelings again at Nikki looking so happy and light; but he feels urgency to act, now. His whole body is humming with it.

Vince gets up and moves around. He changes the music, he picks up his phone but then puts it back, he gets a bottle of water and drinks in major gulps from it, then stands with his back against the counter, unsure what to do. He’s a little buzzed from the wine, but it does nothing to calm him.

Nikki gets up too. He starts to make his way to the couch, but Vince looks at him, wills him to come closer, and Nikki pauses. He leans against the table, standing opposite Vince, and waits.

The conflict inside Vince is shrinking. The past 6 weeks or so on the road have shown him that he and Nikki are good - they work well together, play well together, and _both_ appear to want more than that. And he really wants to just do it. _Really_ , really.

Nikki seems to read that. He stands up straight and moves forward, puts his hands on the counter on either side of Vince, boxing him in.

Vince smiles, but looks down, can’t make eye contact. He hears Nikki chuckle - which is understandable, it is a little ridiculous that Vince acts like a blushing virgin. He puts his hands on Nikki’s arms and moves them up and down slowly. Nikki has good arms, long and strong, god, he loves them. He looks at the tattoos that his fingers trace. He comes to the one that reads ‘Mötley Crüe’ and he swallows.

Nikki pushes their foreheads together and Vince closes his eyes. He keeps hold of Nikki’s arms.

“I’m gonna kiss you,” Nikki says softly, his lips already close, his breath already warm and sweet against Vince’s skin.

Vince hums. And he can’t stop, until Nikki does kiss him. It’s slow, unhurried, but thorough and intimate and it makes Vince’s stomach do flip-flops. Nikki tastes sweet, overly sweet, from the Coke. He thinks he must taste very sour to Nikki - wine against cola, couldn’t be more of a contrast.

He must have been saying some of that out loud, in between pecks, because Nikki says it’s fine, right before diving back in. Well, if Nikki says it’s fine, he’s not gonna worry about it. He moves his arms up to go around Nikki’s neck, his hand winding in Nikki’s hair, as he moves his tongue with Nikki’s. Nikki wraps his arms around Vince’s waist and pulls him closer.

Vince feels Nikki’s chest expand against his own with each breath he takes; he just wants to keep Nikki this close forever, feel that warmth, that energy that has been _so near_ to him all the time since late last year. And he has a moment of clarity. He’s not powerless. There are things he could do to keep Nikki close. And he sees now that Nikki has been _giving_ him that power for the past months, staying just within reach until Vince is ready.

Vince breaks the kiss and pushes his face against Nikki’s neck. He needs to ask something that he’s afraid to know the answer to, but he has to do it. He has to know there are no conditions that he can’t meet, that could ruin everything. Nikki brushes his fingers over Vince’s lower back and doesn’t rush him. Vince basks in it a little longer, before he asks the question that might end it all before it starts.

“Can you do this with me, even if I’m not coping with things the way you are?” he asks, face still hidden. ‘ _And can you promise me you’ll feel that way in the future?_ ’ goes through his head, but that’s an unfair thing to ask.

Vince raises his head to look at Nikki. Nikki looks at him quite intently and cups Vince’s jaw. He nods. “Yes.”

Vince feels lighter, like his chest can finally expand the way it should.

“Will you talk to me, if something makes you feel like I’m not, in this with you?” Nikki asks in return.

Vince nods.

“Instead of testing me all the time.” Nikki smirks.

Vince shrugs, caught out, averting his eyes.

But he’s smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record - I think Nikki is a saint here ;) Writing this chapter was tough, but I hope you enjoyed the story.


End file.
